YOU WANT HINTS, I GOT HINTS. I AM  HELOISE'S DARK, SINISTER BROTHER..

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Dear Merlin What do you think of the band Korn? from KORN42290@aol.com

Dear KORN42290,
Considering that Merlin is 42 years old, he doesn't do a whole lot of listening to KORN, but that doesn't mean I don't know who Jonathan Davis is. He looks pretty wild when he wears that derby and glasses. I also heard he has a $50,000.00 microphone stand. Tell him to send Merlin one of those stands.
Thanks for writing, and next time KORN is near Atlanta, let me know, I will go to the show. I will probably get my ass kicked, but I will go anyway.

MERLIN

Dear Mr. Merlin I really like this guy and I don't want to tell him that I used to be a guy, but had a sex change.How do I approach him? I mean, I have all of my girl parts now, but at one time, I was hung like a porn star.

Ophelia Nuttz, Derris, N.J.

Dearest Ophelia, What did you do with the severed member? Merlin has a magic wand, but it ain't THAT magic.. O.K., be honest with him, and make sure you have the means to subdue him as he runs screaming from your house. Freak.       Merlin

Dear Mr. Merlin, Rush Limbaugh is a big jerk. I am a vegetarian and think that he is a bad influence on all the good people who love animals and think that killing them is a crime. What is your opinion?

Dharma Peta, Weed, CA

Dear Dharma, you should immediately call my friend, Ted Nugent. He feels the same way about our furry little friends as you. Go to one of his week-long excursions and you will see what I'm talking about. I think Rush is a jerk too, and I think that Bill Clinton's opposition to any new oil exploration or new nuclear development during his term in office has nothing to do with the current crisis shortage in California. We just need to conserve a bit more. P.S., I like my steak RARE..   Merlin

Dear Nasty Merlin, When I wake up my penis is horribly orange. I'm afraid I have a disease and I'm too embarrassed to tell my wife about it. What should I do?

Mike Hunt, Fistina, GA

Mike, stop eating Cheese Doodles while watching porn flicks, and get your wife an 'Ab-Roller"    Merlin

Dear Merlin, my boyfirend wants to have sex with me in a very uncomfortable place. I need some advice.

Brandi Svenning, Orlando, FL

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?     Merlin.