IMMIGRANT STORY

"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT!!" I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture, here in the USA. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans.
However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely comprised of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America, being a multicultural community, has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of
struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! ENGLISH. "In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, of Christian principles founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is and always will be part of our culture. If the Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. Remember, "Delta is ready when you are and they can have you there by nightfall."
This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so.  But, once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about! our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other great American freedom,
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

MORE DRIVEL

OK. So I've been out of it for a while. Like the Pickle says, "Sue Me". I'm changing my
whole outlook on life as we speak. I will no longer supply useless information that
impresses people when you have about 13 beers in you and you’re bullshitting with your
buddies at your favorite watering hole featuring monthly bleeders on a stage, dancing
and begging for money. 

Let's talk about driving. Most , if not all adults that I know have a drivers license and have
exactly the same complaint: 

WHY THE FUCK CAN'T PEOPLE DRIVE?!.

I recently became a commuter on perhaps the worst damn road in the lovely state of
New Jersey. The Garden State Parkway. My commute brings me from exit 67 to exit
127. In this trip I believe 85% of the people do not know how to drive as the New Jersey
State Department of Motor Vehicles mandates. Let's start from the beginning of my trip. 

I am sitting at a light on a 3-lane road. I am in the middle lane.

The left lane is left-turn only, middle lane is also left-turn only and the right lane is
straight or right. When the light turns green, I have to wait for a tractor-trailer making a
left on a red arrow to clear. As I'm turning onto Route 72 west, the asshole in the left
lane turns left, but decides he will turn into my right lane. Good thing for fast reflexes and
the crystal meth I had taken before the drive.... I was ALERT! My Parkway north entrance
is coming up in 1.5 miles. I should be there in 10 minutes because asshole number #1
is doing 6 mph in front of me. What was that!! I was just passed by Amish people.
Here's another complaint, those funny looking signs with the numbers aren't there to
guess your fucking I.Q., that's the speed limit! Bad enough people adhere strictly to the
speed limit, which is OK I guess, but if your gonna drive, the least you should do is drive the
speed limit. The penalty for driving below the speed limit should be to stand outside a
crowded bar with a sign that says, "I'm the asshole that caused you to be late today
because I drive under the speed limit." 

OK, we're on the Parkway. I merge with no problem and being that I have some cops in
the family and I was feeling a little frisky, I decided to drive 74 in a 65-mph zone. I put
my left indicator on and proceeded to the left lane where I met a 1965 Plymouth. The
person driving is doing around 13, (back to my first complaint) also; all I see are 2 hands
and a wool hat. By this time, the right lane is packed with cars that are blowing by me
with little snickers on their faces. I decide in kind of like a "ROID RAGE", I’m on this
lady or man's ass and I can now see eyes peeking up at the rearview mirror. After about
20 minutes of this hell-on-earth, the man makes his move over to the right lane so I can
pass. As I pass I give the look. You guys know the look I’m talking about. Its the "ARE
YOU KIDDING ME?" stare. What relief that stare brings. So I pass the old prick and
look in my rearview and he gets over into the left lane again. Now must I say the LAW
says "Keep right, pass left!"

I now approach the tollbooth. you can just imagine my luck.
No matter which toll lane I’m in, or how many lanes are open, one of the assholes to the right or
left will speed up and cut in front of me. I pay the toll and now it's clear sailing, so I
put on the cruise control at about 79. I always pick 79 because if you're going to get
pulled over, the fine is the same from 1 to 14 mph over the speed limit so you might as
well. I’m now in the right lane (only 2 lanes) kickin' back with a Natty Ice with the speed
set and a car is approaching me but he's in the left lane. So I give him the what’s up
glance and nod as he passes me and call him a Guido under my breath. As soon as he
gets about 100 feet in front of me, I see the blinker go on to get into my lane. Fine, OK,
but don't slow down! Why did this jack-off slow down after he just blew by me? Now I
have to hit my brake and pass him via the left lane and of course now give him the
"YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU DON'T REALIZE IT YET" look. Now, I exit the
Parkway and I’m driving through side streets and screech upon my last complaint. A
lady pulls out in front of me like a bat out of hell only to slam on her brakes because she had
to immediately make a left. What the fuck is wrong with people? There was no one
behind me, could she not have waited until I passed? This, I'm sure, is why I have
stomach problems and am balding at age 28. So this goes out to all the people I see on
the road that don't know how to drive.

STAY THE FUCK HOME

RAY

LETS BURN SOME TOWELS

If I were President George W. Bush
  
 By Mitchell R. Robb
  
 Good evening my fellow Americans.
 First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York and
 all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest assured
 that anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of
 our country will be done.
 This is the greatest  country in the world and we will get through
 this trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty
 differences and show the world that no one or nothing can destroy the
 fortitude of the American people.
 To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this: Are you
 fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too tight?
 Have you gone too long without a bath?  Do you not know who you  are
 fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each
 other every day. We will relish that opportunity for new targets for our
 aggression.
  
 Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that
 started fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over
 in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2
 million of them in their own back yard. That's  what we in America
 call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's
 so big?  Because we wanted it that way. Mexico started jacking around
 with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. England? We sent them
 packing.
 Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The only
 reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot
 someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't
 trained to laugh and shoot at the same time.
 Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty
 little country.
 Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and
 try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain
 high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe. We will
 bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps and any place
 that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a
 few bombs on people that have pissed us off in the past. This is
 America. We kick ass. This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but
 the Tomahawks are coming and very soon we will smoke your sorry asses.
    
 God bless America! 

Here's a list of dumb laws for you to enlighten your friends at the next drink fest.

1.     Natoma, Kansas, it is illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

2.     Vermont, It's against the law to whistle under water.  (Can You!)

3.     Alabama, It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

4.     Wisconsin, It's illegal to walk your elephant without a leash.  (what if your child had neurofibromatosis (elephant man's disease), would you have to leash him?)

5.     St. Louis, Missouri, it's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while your sitting on a curb.

6.     Minneapolis, Minnesota, the maximum penalty for double parking is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.

Here's an interesting fact:

For the past 150 years, Bolivia has averaged about one new government a year!

Why does this happen?

When your in a bar, and it's loud, you start talking to your buddy about someone or something that happened the music stops and everyone hears a real unimportant but embarrassing part of the story.

Exaple:  (*&*&^*&^(*&(* (that is talk with the music loud so people can't understand) *^&^&*&^*&^ right in my ass!!!)  All people hear is the loud "RIGHT IN MY ASS" either that or it's a racial joke and the punchline is heard by that exact group your making fun of.

Also,

     I was trying to explain to my wife how hard it is to leave my neighborhood bar.  She thinks I should be able to go and have 1 or 2 beers and just leave.  I try to explain that it is theoretically impossible but she can't understand.  

First beer goes easy and you bang it back pretty quick.  

Then, beer # 2, bought by a guy you haven't seen in 3 years.  

Next, you have to buy that guy a beer to say thanks.  Your done and he can't drink alone, so there's #3.  

Beer #4 -  free beer from bartender

Beer #5 - your buddy showed up late to meet you and buys his and yours

Beer #6 - this is the final beer because you have to go. its 9:30 and you have to work tomorrow.

Beer #7 - your buddy bought it and blamed it on the bartender while you were pissing

Beer #8 - well this is it it's 11pm and you only have 8 hours of sleep left but you know the hangover won't be that bad as long as you eat something

Beer #9 - you found a free drink token in front of your glass

Beer #10 - 12am, 7 hours of sleep left but you tell everybody you can survive on 4

Beer #11 - 12:30am, "I really gotta go after this beer" stupidly comes out of your mouth

Beer #12 1am, 6 hours of sleep, (Did I drive?) "I'll just say i went to eat, that'll buy me another 45 minutes and I'll go right to bed.

Beer #13 1:30am bars closing, last round.  By this time you know everyone in the bar and they all tell you how they're not alcoholics because they don't depend on alcohol to get them thru the day.  Meanwhile, it's Monday night and there's 3 of you in the bar with no reason to be there.

Beer #14 2am,  Might as well have one with the bartender that's closing cause your the president of your company and don't have to be at work til like 11am.  

You then leave and stumble to the car and manage to leave safely.  

You pull up to the curb, exit the car and walk diagonally to your house and try to get the key in the door.  After a half hour of looking with one eye up at the moon light to see the keys you get in.  No sooner do you hit the bed the alarm goes of at 7am.  Now what's going through your mind is, Do I call out?  Will they miss me if I don't even go in?  I'll tell them I thought I was on vacation. I'll set the alarm 'til 7:45 because I only need 5 minutes to shower and pull the rat that took a shit in my mouth out.

I know there are people that know what I mean so when you see us in a bar let us know.........

BEER

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

 When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks,

about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?   They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.   They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life."

"The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your health, your children --

 things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else.

The small stuff.  If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing.

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer!